My battle with anxiety- A rational scrutiny

buddha-quote-4-pinterestNo amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.
Alan Watts

Subtle sometimes and sometimes turbulent like a storm, it hits you, grips you and rips you, such is the might of an anxious mind. Often, I am asked, ‘it’s only anxiety, why can’t you just stop thinking and chill?’ I don’t blame them, I understand how hard it is for a person to imagine anxiety, it’s somewhere they have never been, and the intensity of those subjective emotions are deeply under-expressed in physical expressions. To express it metaphorically, I would describe it as a snake wrapping around you, tightening with each pulse, fogging the mind in a loop, till you are looking for yourself in the abyss. In simple words, it’s an exhausting struggle of an endless spiral of questions about the irrelevant detail of a futile insecurity, the mind baffled in the loop looking for the edge of the sphere over and over and over.

I would like to specify this is my anecdotal account and my understanding of anxiety would be limited to my subjective experiences of it and the limited research that I did for the time being to get over it. But it did help me recover to a huge extent and so I would like to share whatever I have learned in this journey so far even if it reaches just one person out there.

To a person suffering from anxiety, I want to tell you I am a companion and that you are not alone in this journey no matter how deep you feel you are lost in the labyrinth. I want to assure you behind all these layers your mind has fabricated, you are still right there. And you will come back. I understand your struggle and have seen glimpses of the darkness that scares you. Like the most uninvited guest, it visits you after a tiring day when you are struggling to sleep, and sometimes amidst familiar faces, the meaning in them disappears. I want to describe it only so you know that even the scariest of your thoughts have troubled other minds as well, so I what want to assure you is, you should delete this thought immediately that you are alone. Your condescending subconscious convincing you that there is no shore, but I assure you I have seen it and stepped on it.

Dismantling the emotion into phenomenon

Anxiety hits in stages. Before you work on it you want to understand the nature and depth of your anxiety. To state it simply, anxiety, since time immemorial has had its roots in irrational worries, predicting scenarios extremely unlikely to happen. It is really important to break the thoughts and analyse them as the objective phenomenon that they are. In my personal experience, there was no particular environmental trigger but a number and variety of reasons that had deep impact on my mind. It kept on adding up and one day I was amidst unusual feelings of new degree. It is different for different subjects, I am sure, but what can be gathered from my account is that the data that causes it is irrelevant. It can be any small intricate detail your subconscious recorded while you were taking a stroll or reading a book, but it inflates the bubble more and more, and unfortunately it bursts one day in some cases.

A deeper introspection into your anxiety will allow you to understand that your thoughts actually hold no power. As Joseph Goldstein describes, in deep meditative states one analyses that thought itself is the thinker and any attempt to associate your personality with the worrisome thought only aggravates the condition. I acknowledge it’s easier said than done, but repeated training to the mind allows us to puncture the bubble of anxiety every day. It is crucial to be wise and observe your anxiety under an objective microscope and try experiencing it merely as a process, as a series of sensations the body is going through. A meditative training programme allows us to repeatedly cement these thoughts in our brains that ultimately strengthens our minds against anxiety. What Buddha taught in simple words is essentially understood as metacognitive therapy in modern science today. To put simply it is reshaping our thinking about our thoughts.

The Scrutiny

Here is where I want to begin as a guide and share what helped me cope.

1. First, Accept yourself. It is a phenomenon, a condition, a metamorphosis and most of all, a chance to become better and stronger than who you were yesterday. So, I know you hate your condition, but acknowledge this that even the most beautiful minds in the world have seen these states, Newton, Sigmund Freud, Darwin, Johnny Depp, Abraham Lincoln, Vincent Van Gogh are few of them.

2. Second, Identify how your mind tricks you. Since you are under a condition your mind will trick you into framing futile predictions which may include, that you are going to be a failure, that you are undesired, that you should be guilty of certain emotions or that you are going insane pondering over unnecessary details. But since you understand that this is a fabricated state constructed under high adrenaline rush in your blood stream, you should stop giving this thought any power. This thought is conditional and means nothing in reality.

3. Stop the mental wrestle immediately. Make yourself believe repeatedly that these questions hold no value. It’s not the questions, but your struggle to answer them, which is in true sense your anxiety. You want to acknowledge the presence of your undesired thoughts, but there is no need to answer them, only observe them. Break them from thoughts to sensations in your mind and leave them powerless. And once in a while ridicule them.

4. There are some fortunate moments in a day when you are not under anxiety and those are the best moments to understand what anxiety is. Challenge it. Pay attention to a thought, any thought and follow it. See where it goes, what it does, how it behaves. I guarantee you the thought will vanish if you don’t interact with it, because it is you who is adding to the state actively by participating in the process, even though unknowingly.

I want to wrap it up with one request. I understand medication is necessary in a lot of cases but please do not underestimate the power of meditation. When Buddha was asked what you gained by years of meditation, he said “Nothing! But I can tell you what I lost, I lost anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age and death”. Also, there is plenty of scientific evidence that suggests that meditation helps to improve these conditions tremendously. I know you are struggling but please believe in the neuroplasticity of your brain. It’s not the condition that will pave your future, but your choice to deal with it. In my case, the dread of existentialism took over, the rush to find meaning in endless patterns scared me for a time that looked like an eternity, and I don’t think I found the answers, but I found that it’s okay to not know the answers. I hope this encourages you to try to reshape your thoughts.

Our Story

I had this story to tell, this story about us , all of us , all of us animate and inanimate , of all there ever was or there ever will be . I am high on a new found drug , relatively unknown to humans . I see visions in the night of me reaching out to a new reality .. the idea of me belonging to that position , in space and time fades , I feel eternal .. I feel more than a very complex organic machine .. I am blown at the thought that I can think about myself as an entity .. I am a whole and still a part of the whole .. Each thought that sits inside me is my own in one way and a combined effort of me and the surrounding invisible forces .. I tremble at the idea that how unimportant my existence is and yet not superfluous , and yet I am an unavoidable , essential product of the cosmic equations and then I think that everything that I see or don’t see .. every particle of air I breathe ,every perceivable or unimaginable particle that is there or has ever been , every beautiful indifferent night sky that I witness and every other beautifully glowing supernova or dead black holes , every fucking quark everywhere is a necessary product of the cosmic equations .. We all had to be here to make this story .. we are the only physical truths of this cosmic tale that is devoid of scale or sense and yet full of it everywhere .. 1982350_10153656605436011_9157308459922641204_n

The Tragic Comedy of Democracy

Do you also feel paralyzed when you look out from the window and see the world tearing into pieces? Ashes falling from the sky on the death of a star, on the death of a mind and on the dormancy that will follow for centuries. The ghosts of the past who fought for the azaad streets visit in silence and mourn over the sheer mockery of the same principles they stood for, all their lives. The saffron flames engulfing each and every shred of truth, burning on a hollow fuel of pride, and murdering every thing that appears different . The pathetic conceit in an identity becomes the worldwide wisdom and teaches its followers to fight for it, to lie for it and to kill for it. The clever orator is the new God of this land. He lies with conviction, lies with anger, lies with power. While the television blared out angry voices in a room devoid of thought, the clever orator was glorified and sold to angry flesh and bones searching for names to be more angry on, searching for an easy purpose to live by, looking for a simple philosophy to boast of. A new story is fabricated, a new history is constructed. The spoilt child rushes to his powerful father to crush those he can’t defeat. And thus justice becomes the whim of the powerful, the struggle becomes a drama for the spectators, the soldier becomes the pawn of the king, and alas the thinking mind becomes the blasphemous Satan.